How to Really Listen to your Kids

In “A Busy Parent’s Guide to Quality Time with your Kids,” you learned how to make the best of the limited time you have with your children. One of the tips talked about is to really listen to your children. Many people do not really understand how important having an adult really listen is to children. Here’s how you can start providing this to your children today!

The Basics:

First, allow yourself to listen to the words coming out of their mouth.

Next, notice the other ways they are communicating to you. Nonverbal ways of communication include: body posture, stance, facial expression, voice tone, voice volume, eye contact, flushing of the face or neck, or tense muscles in hands, forearms, and neck. Pay attention to what your child is saying to you nonverbally.

Now, take those two things—the words they stated and the message they communicated with their body—and reflect it back to them. Think of yourself like a mirror, and send the message back to them.

Finally, pay attention to your child’s response. Did she tell you that you were wrong or not listening? Then start over at the first step, asking your child to repeat it again for you. Did he soften his voice and relax his muscles? Then you did something right! Did your child nod her head in agreement and sit silently for a few moments? Great job!

Pay close attention to the affect that your listening has on your child! Imagine how difficult it must be to be a child who is dealing with adults making decisions for her and telling her to do things she doesn’t want to. Now imagine how nice it must be for that adult to stop, listen, and report back that they acknowledge your feelings as valid! When children’s feelings are acknowledged, they learn it is ok to express themselves. And when children can learn to express themselves through their words…there is no longer a reason to express themselves through yelling, a tantrum, or other kinds of inappropriate behaviors!

Here are some examples…

Let’s say your child is sitting at the table, looking upset. He says, “I want my corn flakes!” You realize from his tone, body language, and statement that he is experiencing strong emotions.

Not-Really-Listening: Many busy parents may be tempted to provide a solution, such as “Well, we ran out. We have other kids of cereal, though. You will just have to eat that today.” This may leave your child feeling as though you didn’t really hear how difficult this is for them.

Really Listening: A way to be a good listener is to respond back, “You want your corn flakes and there aren’t any.” He then might clarify, “Yeah. I’m angry. There is no more of my favorite cereal and I’m starving!!!” Then you, reflecting back his feelings, say, “You are angry there is no more of your cereal. It’s hard to be hungry and want to eat something that we don’t have.” This doesn’t solve the problem, but your child’s emotions will lessen because they now feel that their parent understands what they see as a serious problem. (There is also an added bonus in that many times, children who feel heard will create their own solution. Some children in this example may say, “Yeah. Maybe instead I could eat the raisin cereal today and you could get more corn flakes tonight at the store?” You may be very surprised!)

Let’s say your child is playing on the playground nicely, when suddenly she starts to scream. You are scared, because she seems to be screaming so loud you assume she is in pain and has been hurt. You run over to her and she says, “That girl went first!!! I was first in line!!!”

Not Really Listening: Many parents may try to soothe their child by providing a solution before doing the initial and important step of listening. For example, “It’s ok. Calm down. She’s done now. See, it’s your turn. You can go now.” This is a great way to help your child recover at some times, but depending on the child’s natural temperament and current mood, it may not work at all. Why not try listening first next time?

Really Listening: A way to be a good listener would be to respond back, “You are very upset and you seem pretty mad. The other girl went ahead of you even though you were first.” Reflecting your child’s feelings like this may at first confuse them a little. Commonly, they will confirm you are right by saying something like, “Yeah, it’s not fair. You are supposed to wait in line. She’s not a nice girl.” So, then, reflect that back by saying, “You don’t think that girl is nice because she went first and didn’t wait her turn in line. It’s not fair to you.” After this second reflection, many children will feel so listened to and supported that they will calm down enough to return to their activity without your direction. How amazing this must feel as a child to experience a strong emotion, express it to a caring adult, and feel better! What a great lesson about how to solve negative emotions!

I challenge you to try it out today! Spend ten minutes just listening to your child. Reflect what they are saying; don’t ask many questions. Let them lead the conversation, with you following behind listening to them. You may be pleasantly surprised at the results!