Time

I frequently ask couples about the amount of quality time they spend together, meaning time together that involves interaction, conversation, activity, or physical touch. The typical response is one of silence or "I don't know."

If I ask about the amount of time it takes to vacuum the house, watch a certain TV show/sports game, or commute to work, couples can provide an instant response that involves a specific amount of time they know gets devoted to that activity.

It seems that although we will make time for things like mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, getting an oil change, etc, we don't really make the time for nurturing the relationship. How can we expect a relationship to be fun, satisfying, and loving if we don't give it the time and energy we devote to other things?

The problem is, after months or sometimes years of not making time for each other, it is sometimes difficult to enjoy the time together. Many couples find that the first struggle involves deciding what to do. What can we enjoy together, what can we talk about, how can we have fun together?

Even for couples who know immediately what they can and will do, it can sometimes feel unnatural once they start. It can feel awkward, which then leads to feelings of sadness and disappointment. If this is how it feels after the first attempt, many couples are not motivated to continue to make the time.

The key may be to start small and build from there. If you notice that you have not been giving you relationship the time and energy it needs, why not start with a five minute conversation about something in the news? Or initiate a quick project ("Let's cook dinner together tonight.") You could also try something as simple as holding your partner's hand while watching TV. Maybe if you start small, in a few weeks or months, it will be fun, comfortable, exciting, and fulfilling to spend time together.

And once it feels that good to be around each other, you may be surprised how easy it becomes to make the time!

Quality Time with your Kids II

Many people talk about wishing that they had more time to spend with their children. They refer to real quality time, not time where they are shuffling them to practice, telling them to eat their vegetables, or helping them put away laundry. You’d probably agree that if you could get in at least 15 minutes a day of quality time with your children, you’d feel happier, calmer, and more positive about life in general…and so would they.

So, how do you make it happen?

1). Think of your favorite or best memories with your mother or father. What were you doing? Where were you? What were you talking about? Figure out the elements of this memory that you want to give to your child.

2) Many of the times we consider ‘quality time’ include: conversation, laughter, completing a project, or experiencing something new. Which of those sounds most appealing to you? Which seems most possible given your child’s age, personality, and interests?

3) Think about something you enjoy doing and involve your child in it.

4) Think about something you don’t enjoy doing, such as a household chore, and involve your child in it. Although it may take you significantly longer, it can be a great way to have quality time since you are teaching your child important lessons and skills while you are also completing a project together. This leaves you both with the feeling that you did something together, with the added benefit that another chore is completed!

Here are some ideas that people have found most enjoyable:
1) As you are putting your child to bed, tell them a story about your life. Whether it is about getting rejected when trying out for a sports team or about how you and your spouse fell in love, it doesn’t really matter. The key part here is that you are sharing something personal with your child in a soothing and calm part of their day.

2) Tell your child that they have fifteen minutes of your time and they can choose to do almost anything they want with you (in reason, of course). Since children are so used to following directions from you and at school or daycare, this can sometimes throw them off at first. So be patient, don’t make any certain suggestions; instead, just tell them they can choose. Before you know it, you will be participating in a fun activity that your child is guaranteed to enjoy because they picked it.

3) Go outside. Yep, that’s it. It’s winter now, so dress appropriately, but just head outside. Before you know it, there will be something to look at, some project to do, or some game to play!

Enjoy the quality time!

Money Matters--A New York Times Article

Are you a financial match with your partner? Check out the following article to learn the importance of getting on the same page financially: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/10/business/businessspecial3/10WED.html?em

Ground Rules for Divorce Part I: Do not speak negatively about your spouse

Part 1: Do not speak negatively about your spouse.

Your spouse has probably hurt you terribly. He/she may have betrayed your trust, broken marriage vows, called you names, shattered your hopes and dreams for your family, abused you emotionally or physically, etc. Please spend time with yourself grieving the loss of your marriage and your expectations for your family/marriage/life. It can be so hard to cope with the many thoughts and emotions that will flood over you. This may be the most difficult part of your life to this point. It’s so important to take care of yourself, allow yourself to experience these emotions, and gain support from friends or other caring adults.

However...

--Your spouse is not divorcing your child.--

Through the process of coping with the divorce, though, remember that your spouse has NOT done these things to your children. Yes, he/she did hurtful things to the family by doing hurtful things to the marriage and he/she may even have done or is doing hurtful things to your child (i.e. not showing they care, not calling, abusing alcohol/drugs in front of them, etc), BUT…and this is so hard to understand sometimes…

Your child does not harbor the same intensity or kind of emotions that you do. Really. Even if they express sadness, anger, confusion, it is not the same sadness, anger, confusion that you feel.

--We love (or want to love) our parents. Period.--

See, the human relationship as parent-child is so different from other relationships. Parents can hurt and disappoint their children repeatedly, and yet children usually forgive their parents due to a strong hope, desire, and need for a loving relationship with their mother/father. Even if we don’t really like our parents, we want to like and love them. Even if they are mean or disapproving, we hope for the day they will say they are proud and pat us on the back. Even if they make mistakes, we are easily willing to forgive if just they would ask. Deep down, we want a good relationship with our parents, no matter how flawed they may be. (Even as an adult, you probably still have feelings about wanting a better relationship with your parents!)

--What if my child is having negative feelings...how can I be supportive?---

Even if your child is having negative feelings towards their mother/father and even if they say they are mad at them or don’t like them, this does not mean they are okay with hearing you say these things about their mother or father.

This idea doesn’t make sense to us because as adults, when we express our feelings, we like people to agree with us. If people agree with us, we see that as supportive. However, it hurts and confuses your child when you speak negatively about his/her parent. They want you to listen and to be there for them, but they do not want you to agree with them or with their negative thoughts and feelings. After all, if you agree by speaking negatively too, doesn’t this confirm their ultimate fear that their parent really doesn’t care about them or love them anymore?

IMPORTANT NOTE: This does not mean you need to convince them that what they are feeling is wrong; this will invalidate their feelings. You should not say, “No, your mother is a great person!” Instead, simply be present with your children, and let them know you are listening. You could say, “You are upset that your mother hasn’t called yet” or “Yes, this is tough” or even just, “Mmm hmmm.”

-->Please see the post below about listening to children for help with this.

WARNING: Speaking negatively about the other parent can backfire bigtime. A parent who is calm about the divorce, is pleasant to be around, and doesn’t talk about how bad your mother/father is SO much more comfortable and fun to be around than a parent who is bitter and burdening you with adult feelings and problems.

*Try to remember that every time you say something negatively about your spouse, it may cause your child have negative feelings about you. That’s not at all what you want, right?*

So, be committed to gaining the important support you need now from the adults in your life. And be there for your children by listening to them and resisting the temptation to say bad things about their mother or father.

UP NEXT: How Can I Stop Saying Negative Things about my Spouse?

Romance ideas for when gas hits $5 a gallon!

A lot of people say that the romance has faded in the relationship. Others say they aren't sure how to be romantic. Still others say they don't have the funds available for romantic gestures. Truth is, though, being romantic can come in so many shapes, sizes, and dollar amounts.

It's all about showing your partner you care.

So, here are some completely free (yes, free!) ideas for couples who are on a fixed budget:

1) Write a short but sweet email in the middle of the day. Say what is on your mind: that you were thinking of your partner and wanted to let them know.

2) If you get home before your partner, pour them a glass of ice water, soda, juice, etc and have it ready for them when they walk in the door. If they ask why, simply explain you wanted to do something nice for them.

3) Do something around the house that your partner usually does. If/when they notice you have done it, explain you thought they deserved a break from that chore today. If they don't notice, you should probably take note yourself that maybe your partner is overworked or busy. Don't get upset they didn't notice; just tell yourself you did something kind and feel good about yourself.

4) Leave a post-it note on the bathroom mirror. Any cute phrase will do. ("Thinking of you," "Love you," etc.) If you have a good sense of humor, write it as though you are the mirror ("Looking good, hot stuff," "Here's looking at you, kid," etc.) There's nothing like a good smile or laugh first thing in the morning!

5) It may sound crazy, but you can try telling your partner you want to do something nice for them and asking them, "What can I do right now to show you how much I love you?" At this point, you may want to expect your partner to either faint or look at you in a suspicious manner, wondering what kind of trick this is. Just stay with it. You'd be surprised how romantic this can be...and you never know what they will pick! (Just make sure you are willing to do what they ask. It's not cool to put this out there and then say, "No, I don't really want to do that right now...")

Try 'em out and let me know what works!

How to Really Listen to your Kids

In “A Busy Parent’s Guide to Quality Time with your Kids,” you learned how to make the best of the limited time you have with your children. One of the tips talked about is to really listen to your children. Many people do not really understand how important having an adult really listen is to children. Here’s how you can start providing this to your children today!

The Basics:

First, allow yourself to listen to the words coming out of their mouth.

Next, notice the other ways they are communicating to you. Nonverbal ways of communication include: body posture, stance, facial expression, voice tone, voice volume, eye contact, flushing of the face or neck, or tense muscles in hands, forearms, and neck. Pay attention to what your child is saying to you nonverbally.

Now, take those two things—the words they stated and the message they communicated with their body—and reflect it back to them. Think of yourself like a mirror, and send the message back to them.

Finally, pay attention to your child’s response. Did she tell you that you were wrong or not listening? Then start over at the first step, asking your child to repeat it again for you. Did he soften his voice and relax his muscles? Then you did something right! Did your child nod her head in agreement and sit silently for a few moments? Great job!

Pay close attention to the affect that your listening has on your child! Imagine how difficult it must be to be a child who is dealing with adults making decisions for her and telling her to do things she doesn’t want to. Now imagine how nice it must be for that adult to stop, listen, and report back that they acknowledge your feelings as valid! When children’s feelings are acknowledged, they learn it is ok to express themselves. And when children can learn to express themselves through their words…there is no longer a reason to express themselves through yelling, a tantrum, or other kinds of inappropriate behaviors!

Here are some examples…

Let’s say your child is sitting at the table, looking upset. He says, “I want my corn flakes!” You realize from his tone, body language, and statement that he is experiencing strong emotions.

Not-Really-Listening: Many busy parents may be tempted to provide a solution, such as “Well, we ran out. We have other kids of cereal, though. You will just have to eat that today.” This may leave your child feeling as though you didn’t really hear how difficult this is for them.

Really Listening: A way to be a good listener is to respond back, “You want your corn flakes and there aren’t any.” He then might clarify, “Yeah. I’m angry. There is no more of my favorite cereal and I’m starving!!!” Then you, reflecting back his feelings, say, “You are angry there is no more of your cereal. It’s hard to be hungry and want to eat something that we don’t have.” This doesn’t solve the problem, but your child’s emotions will lessen because they now feel that their parent understands what they see as a serious problem. (There is also an added bonus in that many times, children who feel heard will create their own solution. Some children in this example may say, “Yeah. Maybe instead I could eat the raisin cereal today and you could get more corn flakes tonight at the store?” You may be very surprised!)

Let’s say your child is playing on the playground nicely, when suddenly she starts to scream. You are scared, because she seems to be screaming so loud you assume she is in pain and has been hurt. You run over to her and she says, “That girl went first!!! I was first in line!!!”

Not Really Listening: Many parents may try to soothe their child by providing a solution before doing the initial and important step of listening. For example, “It’s ok. Calm down. She’s done now. See, it’s your turn. You can go now.” This is a great way to help your child recover at some times, but depending on the child’s natural temperament and current mood, it may not work at all. Why not try listening first next time?

Really Listening: A way to be a good listener would be to respond back, “You are very upset and you seem pretty mad. The other girl went ahead of you even though you were first.” Reflecting your child’s feelings like this may at first confuse them a little. Commonly, they will confirm you are right by saying something like, “Yeah, it’s not fair. You are supposed to wait in line. She’s not a nice girl.” So, then, reflect that back by saying, “You don’t think that girl is nice because she went first and didn’t wait her turn in line. It’s not fair to you.” After this second reflection, many children will feel so listened to and supported that they will calm down enough to return to their activity without your direction. How amazing this must feel as a child to experience a strong emotion, express it to a caring adult, and feel better! What a great lesson about how to solve negative emotions!

I challenge you to try it out today! Spend ten minutes just listening to your child. Reflect what they are saying; don’t ask many questions. Let them lead the conversation, with you following behind listening to them. You may be pleasantly surprised at the results!

Ideas for Quality Time with Your Kids

Now that you know the basics of how to spend quality time with your children, do you need some help with ideas?

First, try asking your children for ideas. Why don’t you give your child the opportunity to think about how they want to spend time with you? Children usually have many fun ideas for how to have fun with you! Give your child a) a limit on the time and b) the freedom to decide how to spend it.
Option #1: “We have ten minutes to do something together and you can choose what we do. What would you like to do together for ten minutes?”
Option #2: You can sit down with your child and brainstorm ideas. Write down all the ideas your child thinks of. Then narrow the list to about five things they would like to do with you that are within your reasonable limits of time and money.

Second, come up with some ideas yourself so that you have these ready and waiting. The best way to get in your quality time is to prepare for it. Have many different ways already in your mind and ready to go. Try to decide at least five things you could do with your child in five, ten, or thirty minutes and make sure whatever materials are needed (such as crayons, toys, bubbles, etc) are within easy access.


Here are some fun and rewarding ways that many parents and children have found to spend quality time together to get you started:


30 Minutes or Less
Have your child help you with a cooking or baking project
Take a walk
Play a board game (and play at their level)
Teach your child something (without any pressure on them to succeed
Play together with your child’s pet


10 Minutes or Less
Throw a ball around outside
Take a walk
Read a book
Help them clean their room while playing music
Color a coloring book with them
Finger paint together (it’s messy, but you will have fun too!)
Talking about the day
Ask your child to teach you something


5 Minutes or Less
Be an active listener for your child (see above example) anywhere throughout your day
Create a special goodbye or hello ritual, such as a special handshake or a special phrase
Sing a song that comes on the car radio together
Blowing bubbles
Talking about a topic they enjoy