Ground Rules for Divorce Part I: Do not speak negatively about your spouse

Part 1: Do not speak negatively about your spouse.

Your spouse has probably hurt you terribly. He/she may have betrayed your trust, broken marriage vows, called you names, shattered your hopes and dreams for your family, abused you emotionally or physically, etc. Please spend time with yourself grieving the loss of your marriage and your expectations for your family/marriage/life. It can be so hard to cope with the many thoughts and emotions that will flood over you. This may be the most difficult part of your life to this point. It’s so important to take care of yourself, allow yourself to experience these emotions, and gain support from friends or other caring adults.

However...

--Your spouse is not divorcing your child.--

Through the process of coping with the divorce, though, remember that your spouse has NOT done these things to your children. Yes, he/she did hurtful things to the family by doing hurtful things to the marriage and he/she may even have done or is doing hurtful things to your child (i.e. not showing they care, not calling, abusing alcohol/drugs in front of them, etc), BUT…and this is so hard to understand sometimes…

Your child does not harbor the same intensity or kind of emotions that you do. Really. Even if they express sadness, anger, confusion, it is not the same sadness, anger, confusion that you feel.

--We love (or want to love) our parents. Period.--

See, the human relationship as parent-child is so different from other relationships. Parents can hurt and disappoint their children repeatedly, and yet children usually forgive their parents due to a strong hope, desire, and need for a loving relationship with their mother/father. Even if we don’t really like our parents, we want to like and love them. Even if they are mean or disapproving, we hope for the day they will say they are proud and pat us on the back. Even if they make mistakes, we are easily willing to forgive if just they would ask. Deep down, we want a good relationship with our parents, no matter how flawed they may be. (Even as an adult, you probably still have feelings about wanting a better relationship with your parents!)

--What if my child is having negative feelings...how can I be supportive?---

Even if your child is having negative feelings towards their mother/father and even if they say they are mad at them or don’t like them, this does not mean they are okay with hearing you say these things about their mother or father.

This idea doesn’t make sense to us because as adults, when we express our feelings, we like people to agree with us. If people agree with us, we see that as supportive. However, it hurts and confuses your child when you speak negatively about his/her parent. They want you to listen and to be there for them, but they do not want you to agree with them or with their negative thoughts and feelings. After all, if you agree by speaking negatively too, doesn’t this confirm their ultimate fear that their parent really doesn’t care about them or love them anymore?

IMPORTANT NOTE: This does not mean you need to convince them that what they are feeling is wrong; this will invalidate their feelings. You should not say, “No, your mother is a great person!” Instead, simply be present with your children, and let them know you are listening. You could say, “You are upset that your mother hasn’t called yet” or “Yes, this is tough” or even just, “Mmm hmmm.”

-->Please see the post below about listening to children for help with this.

WARNING: Speaking negatively about the other parent can backfire bigtime. A parent who is calm about the divorce, is pleasant to be around, and doesn’t talk about how bad your mother/father is SO much more comfortable and fun to be around than a parent who is bitter and burdening you with adult feelings and problems.

*Try to remember that every time you say something negatively about your spouse, it may cause your child have negative feelings about you. That’s not at all what you want, right?*

So, be committed to gaining the important support you need now from the adults in your life. And be there for your children by listening to them and resisting the temptation to say bad things about their mother or father.

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