How to Really Listen to your Kids

In “A Busy Parent’s Guide to Quality Time with your Kids,” you learned how to make the best of the limited time you have with your children. One of the tips talked about is to really listen to your children. Many people do not really understand how important having an adult really listen is to children. Here’s how you can start providing this to your children today!

The Basics:

First, allow yourself to listen to the words coming out of their mouth.

Next, notice the other ways they are communicating to you. Nonverbal ways of communication include: body posture, stance, facial expression, voice tone, voice volume, eye contact, flushing of the face or neck, or tense muscles in hands, forearms, and neck. Pay attention to what your child is saying to you nonverbally.

Now, take those two things—the words they stated and the message they communicated with their body—and reflect it back to them. Think of yourself like a mirror, and send the message back to them.

Finally, pay attention to your child’s response. Did she tell you that you were wrong or not listening? Then start over at the first step, asking your child to repeat it again for you. Did he soften his voice and relax his muscles? Then you did something right! Did your child nod her head in agreement and sit silently for a few moments? Great job!

Pay close attention to the affect that your listening has on your child! Imagine how difficult it must be to be a child who is dealing with adults making decisions for her and telling her to do things she doesn’t want to. Now imagine how nice it must be for that adult to stop, listen, and report back that they acknowledge your feelings as valid! When children’s feelings are acknowledged, they learn it is ok to express themselves. And when children can learn to express themselves through their words…there is no longer a reason to express themselves through yelling, a tantrum, or other kinds of inappropriate behaviors!

Here are some examples…

Let’s say your child is sitting at the table, looking upset. He says, “I want my corn flakes!” You realize from his tone, body language, and statement that he is experiencing strong emotions.

Not-Really-Listening: Many busy parents may be tempted to provide a solution, such as “Well, we ran out. We have other kids of cereal, though. You will just have to eat that today.” This may leave your child feeling as though you didn’t really hear how difficult this is for them.

Really Listening: A way to be a good listener is to respond back, “You want your corn flakes and there aren’t any.” He then might clarify, “Yeah. I’m angry. There is no more of my favorite cereal and I’m starving!!!” Then you, reflecting back his feelings, say, “You are angry there is no more of your cereal. It’s hard to be hungry and want to eat something that we don’t have.” This doesn’t solve the problem, but your child’s emotions will lessen because they now feel that their parent understands what they see as a serious problem. (There is also an added bonus in that many times, children who feel heard will create their own solution. Some children in this example may say, “Yeah. Maybe instead I could eat the raisin cereal today and you could get more corn flakes tonight at the store?” You may be very surprised!)

Let’s say your child is playing on the playground nicely, when suddenly she starts to scream. You are scared, because she seems to be screaming so loud you assume she is in pain and has been hurt. You run over to her and she says, “That girl went first!!! I was first in line!!!”

Not Really Listening: Many parents may try to soothe their child by providing a solution before doing the initial and important step of listening. For example, “It’s ok. Calm down. She’s done now. See, it’s your turn. You can go now.” This is a great way to help your child recover at some times, but depending on the child’s natural temperament and current mood, it may not work at all. Why not try listening first next time?

Really Listening: A way to be a good listener would be to respond back, “You are very upset and you seem pretty mad. The other girl went ahead of you even though you were first.” Reflecting your child’s feelings like this may at first confuse them a little. Commonly, they will confirm you are right by saying something like, “Yeah, it’s not fair. You are supposed to wait in line. She’s not a nice girl.” So, then, reflect that back by saying, “You don’t think that girl is nice because she went first and didn’t wait her turn in line. It’s not fair to you.” After this second reflection, many children will feel so listened to and supported that they will calm down enough to return to their activity without your direction. How amazing this must feel as a child to experience a strong emotion, express it to a caring adult, and feel better! What a great lesson about how to solve negative emotions!

I challenge you to try it out today! Spend ten minutes just listening to your child. Reflect what they are saying; don’t ask many questions. Let them lead the conversation, with you following behind listening to them. You may be pleasantly surprised at the results!

Ideas for Quality Time with Your Kids

Now that you know the basics of how to spend quality time with your children, do you need some help with ideas?

First, try asking your children for ideas. Why don’t you give your child the opportunity to think about how they want to spend time with you? Children usually have many fun ideas for how to have fun with you! Give your child a) a limit on the time and b) the freedom to decide how to spend it.
Option #1: “We have ten minutes to do something together and you can choose what we do. What would you like to do together for ten minutes?”
Option #2: You can sit down with your child and brainstorm ideas. Write down all the ideas your child thinks of. Then narrow the list to about five things they would like to do with you that are within your reasonable limits of time and money.

Second, come up with some ideas yourself so that you have these ready and waiting. The best way to get in your quality time is to prepare for it. Have many different ways already in your mind and ready to go. Try to decide at least five things you could do with your child in five, ten, or thirty minutes and make sure whatever materials are needed (such as crayons, toys, bubbles, etc) are within easy access.


Here are some fun and rewarding ways that many parents and children have found to spend quality time together to get you started:


30 Minutes or Less
Have your child help you with a cooking or baking project
Take a walk
Play a board game (and play at their level)
Teach your child something (without any pressure on them to succeed
Play together with your child’s pet


10 Minutes or Less
Throw a ball around outside
Take a walk
Read a book
Help them clean their room while playing music
Color a coloring book with them
Finger paint together (it’s messy, but you will have fun too!)
Talking about the day
Ask your child to teach you something


5 Minutes or Less
Be an active listener for your child (see above example) anywhere throughout your day
Create a special goodbye or hello ritual, such as a special handshake or a special phrase
Sing a song that comes on the car radio together
Blowing bubbles
Talking about a topic they enjoy

A Busy Parent’s Guide to Quality Time with your Kids

Are you a busy parent concerned that you aren’t spending enough quality time with your children? Do you wish you had more time for them, but after work and other responsibilities, it’s just not possible?

A lot of parents with busy lives wind up feeling guilty at the end of the week for not having spent enough time with the children that they love. Many working mothers and fathers must work long hours, and struggle with the idea of not ‘being there’ for their kids. Don’t you wish there was a way to maximize the time that you do have with them? The good news… you can start right now to learn how to spend quality time with your children.

It doesn’t require taking a weekend vacation to meet your child’s needs for your time and attention. In fact, it doesn’t even take a day trip to the zoo! All your children need is time with you that is spend talking or doing something together where you are focusing on them. Reading a book in the evening, making a batch of cookies, blowing bubbles outside…all of these things give your children what they need. Below are some important points about making the time you have with your children into quality time:

1: Turn off the electronics. To make it quality time, you need for your children need to know that they have your full attention. So, turn off your cell phone and blackberry. Take the house phone off the hook. Turn off the TV. Do whatever it takes to minimize the distractions of technology.

2: Don’t panic. You don’t have to be without your gadgets for long. Just try it for ten minutes. You and your child will both feel like the ten minutes you spent together was of a higher quality than if you spent 30 minutes and were interrupted by your cell phone calls!

3. Be in the present. One of the many things we admire and love about children is how much they live in the present moment. This is why it is so important for you to be in the present moment with them while you are spending quality time. Don’t think about all the things that need to be done; don’t agonize about the meeting earlier that day with your boss. Instead, stay in the present. It will be great for your kids, and it will also be a fantastic break for you from the everyday stresses of life.


4. Be an active listener. Many people think that listening is the passive act of hearing someone’s words. Children need more than this; they need an adult who can hear what they are saying and reflect it back to them. When your children speak, hear the words and then repeat back what you heard. You may or may not have heard it right, so you need to test it out. This can also have the added benefit of helping children increase their understanding of their own emotional processes. Need an example? See “How to Really Listen to your Kids” article to come.

5. Find small pieces of time. Make yourself squeeze in quality time whenever possible. Even if it’s only two minutes, you can still provide your child with your love, attention, advice, encouragement, or other kind of support. Your children do not keep a record of the number of minutes that you were there for them. Instead, they develop general feeling of whether or not you are there for them as a consistent source of physical, emotional, and mental support. So find small bits of time. Need some ideas? See “Ideas for Quality Time with your Kids” to come soon.

Next posts: “How to Really Listen to your Kids” and “Ideas for Quality Time with your Kids”